Secondary gain is really quite easy to understand as long as we except a straightforward idea.
“Every behaviour has a positive intent.”
For anyone to behave in a certain way do things repeatedly and have developed certain habits, this behaviour must serve a definite purpose.
As long as you consider this, everything else makes sense no matter how stupid it may seem. Your subconscious mind operates to a different set of rules to your conscious mind.
In personal change work where someone is doing something and can’t stop it, or not doing things that they know will make a difference, any good therapist says
OK, how is this serving this client what benefits are they getting.”
First off Conscious Secondary Gain.
We call it this as at some point in time a decision has been made, at a conscious level of mind, that this is of some benefit to the person.
Later they may well have forgotten this, choose to ignore it (denial), and not want to consider it, admit it and maybe in total self-denial of the possibility.
Where you know you are lying and making up excuses for yourself or others. However, you still choose to do it. This too has a positive intent.
This can range from something simple like a decision to start smoking or drinking believing they will handle stress easier or to cover up some emotional inadequacy.
Often young people who lack life skills and maturity believe that these two habits will make them look cool, fit in with the crowd, make them more attractive and give them self-confidence.
These are all good reasons at the time, maybe not the best choices, but they do get the result at the time for the person. So they had and may still have a positive intent.
Another example may be.
Stress of some kind. Stress is indeed one of the most fascinating things. Entirely controllable and beneficial and a handy tool to get things done. With very few exceptions self-inflicted. So we are responsible for it and getting rid of it.
What could some of the benefits be of using stress as an excuse? Well first off if we admit we do it to ourselves, we have to take the responsibility to do something about it. We may have to learn new skills, acquire knowledge, practice. Stop blaming others. Ouch.
However, if we keep it, we may: Get paid sick leave from work for work-related stress. Get to stay at home all day and get paid for it and do what we want. Not have to make an effort. Keep smoking because we tell others we smoke to relax. Instead of learning how to relax at will.
We may get sympathy and other emotional benefits from family, friends and loved ones, some people do assume that attention means other people care. This does encourage dependency a ploy used by many to and prevents one of the essential skill in life. Resilience.
So what about Subconscious or unconscious secondary gain.
This is the fun one. Often the client will have no idea as to why the habit continues. It has gone unconscious became a habit an autopilot response and gone into that part of our old brain that is concerned with survival.
Our subconscious mind or at least a part of it does seem to have limited intelligence. This part is often called our inner child, by some. At this level of mind, decisions can be made, and it does seem that decisions are made that affect our lives, sometimes in extraordinary ways.
If we take our old reptilian brain out of the equation for the time being. We are when we arrive on this planet entirely dependent on our parents or the people who care for us. We learn how to be. We learn the skills we need to exist in the little group we belong to.
So we absorb many of the ideas, behaviours, opinions and choices that those around us live by. Basically, our child mind makes a decision to survive and watches those around it and says ” if I do what they do I will survive, they have.”
Our Inner Child is learning. Just like all children it lacks knowledge, understanding and a rational mind and has not yet gained emotional maturity or the mental skills it will need when an adult.
So it often excepts a silly thing, stupid things, irrational things and things that make no logical sense. When you look at it. It is a reality tunnel. All right a proper and how it is meant to be when a child.
A problem can arise if in later life one of these ideas or reality tunnels is not updated with new information, knowledge, facts, experience or a decision that it is no longer useful to live this way, or by these ideas.
Many of the rules we live by are unconscious, much of what drives us is outside our awareness, and that is how it is meant to be, it makes our lives more comfortable and more energy efficient.
However if one of those little rules of life is wrong, incorrect or outdated, or is the result of parental, social, educational or religious conditioning for the benefit of others, not us, we unless we have deep personal awareness have no idea about it.
So, let me give you a simple example.
I often get clients who want to improve the income they have. Once we have gotten all the usual stuff out of the way, we get down to the playing. It is then that we begin to make conscious some of the secondary gain stuff.
What the inner kid may have been told or chosen to believe, or had programmed into it. Consciously or unconsciously. If a child is raised by normal parents, it will see the income level of its parents and their friends and develop certain habits around money. If the people say things like.
“Money does not make you happy.” Dirty money. Earning enough is hard. Well, these people keep the kid alive so it must be true.
They may also develop habits and assumptions surrounding prosperity through there friends and peer group. Discovering that many are jealous and don’t want to play with them or be their friends if they have too much, or others will take advantage of them.
Our beliefs about money decide how much we will have. How many habits we will develop to acquire it. So if your inner child believes and excepts that money does not make you happy. Why would it want you to be unhappy? Why would it hurt you?
So it will do everything possible to stop you from being wealthy.
It is really very simple. Developing self-awareness will uncover many secondary gains in your life sometimes you also discover
Tertiary gains were someone other than you is benefiting from encouraging you to stay as you are.